How do I punish my mom without making my daughter feel like she did wrong?

Okay, my mom took both of my girls last night and brought them home this morning. Well, my oldest wanted to go with her again. I only agreed because my mom hadn%26#039;t seen them in a month. My youngest wanted to stay home with her father and I. My mom called me a few hours ago telling me she bought Liyah a new dress, shoes, leotards, a teddy bear, and a new doll. She also took her out to dinner. I don%26#039;t think this is right. I asked my mom what she got Lyssa (my youngest). She said she was broke after buying for Liyah. I know this isn%26#039;t fair to Lyss. My question, how do I get my mom to stop without making Liyah feel like she%26#039;s the one that did wrong? I don%26#039;t want her to think she did something when Grandma did it. What would you do in this situation? I don%26#039;t want my girls to have to deal with their grandmother playing favoritism.

How do I punish my mom without making my daughter feel like she did wrong?
Tell mom if she can%26#039;t buy for both, don%26#039;t buy for either. My older sister was like this. She wanted to buy for my son and treat him like a king, but ignore my two young daughters. I finally sat down and told her, I know she favors him but it%26#039;s unfair for him to always be spoiled. She%26#039;s aunt to my daughters too and they deserve some of her attention. My sister mended her ways and now if she buys for one, she buys for all. I think your mom just needs to be told straightforward. Let her know she%26#039;s hurting her other granddaughter when she does this and it%26#039;s not fair. If she persists, then cut back severely the time she%26#039;s allowed to see either of them. I%26#039;d tell the girls %26quot;grandma is very busy.%26quot; It keeps them from feeling like they%26#039;ve done wrong and it gives grandma a chance to get her act together. If she can%26#039;t get her act together, I%26#039;d tell her in the best interest of my children%26#039;s mental health, she won%26#039;t be able to see them at all any more. I%26#039;m sure she%26#039;ll get it together. If not, is it really a big loss? You don%26#039;t want someone who supposedly loves them to treat them this way, at least I wouldn%26#039;t. Mom to 3 who learned the hard way here.
Reply:I really think you are looking into this the wrong way, Looking back at my childhood. My Grandmother would do the same thing.


It wasn%26#039;t like it was planned it was who was with her at the time.


Maybe she really couldn%26#039;t afford doing for two. I wouldn%26#039;t ruin the time your oldest had with her....it will make beautiful memories.


However next time I think I would let the other one go by herself too. My most perfect memories were spending time alone with her and just having a girls night out.


Look at their birthdays and Holidays I bet she treats them equal....it was just a special night for them.


Wishing all grandmas had pocket books that were bottomless....sounds like you are thinking and looking for something that isn%26#039;t there....just because you do for one does mean you are obligated to do for another...gifts come from the heart.


Let it go....enjoy what she was able to do....give your daughter a smile and you too should smile that they truly enjoyed one another....one day she won%26#039;t be there...how lucky they are to share one another Now.....





best wishes
Reply:Ask her to put herself in your youngest childs position and ask how she%26#039;d feel seeing her older sister being showered with presents and not her. Your mom should have spent equal amounts of money on them both rather than ending up broke. Give her the benefit of the doubt as she may not have realised at the time. If she does it again put your foot down and don%26#039;t let her take them out your girls feelings are more important than your moms.





Good Luck
Reply:OMG! You sound like my sister! Get over it! You can%26#039;t always expect that both kids get or get to do the same exact things ALWAYS- it%26#039;s a fact of life. Maybe one day the younger one will get something when the oldest doesn%26#039;t! I hate to feel obligated to buy something for both my nieces at the same time when I find something nice for one.





My oldest niece often gets %26#039;punished%26#039; by not getting to go somewhere because my sister wants either both or none of them to get to go but the youngest is a spoiled little brat that never minds and doesn%26#039;t deserve to go. So people just refuse to take them places because dealing with the 7 yr old is a freakin%26#039; nightmare.
Reply:i grew up with the opposite my dad always said if there isn%26#039;t enough for all the kids none get any and that made us sympathetic for each other





tell your mother do for both or do for none





talk to your girls let them know they are not doing anything wrong they are never responsible for what grown ups do talk to your older daughter let her know why you think this is unfair to her lil sister she will understand how you feel
Reply:Let it go. At some point, Grandma is going to do more for the youngest than she does for the oldest. Just let it go.





If you focus on the materialistic aspect of the time grandma spends with the girls, then you turn the kids into gimme monsters. Just let it go.
Reply:I%26#039;m going to play devil%26#039;s advocate here.





Grandmother didn%26#039;t do anything that requires a quiet correction or anything of the sort.





The youngest of her two granddaughters opted out of spending an additional day with grandma. She was given a choice. She turned it down.





If Lyss is old enough to be hurt, then Lyss is old enough to understand that she isn%26#039;t entitled to enjoy the benefits of grandma without investing her time in grandma.





Liyah chose to spend another day with her grandmother and it sounds like she had a great day. The only way to spoil that day is to imply that she did something wrong. She would never feel guilty unless someone implied that she is.





Liyah and Lyss had a choice. Neither choice was wrong, but one came with fringe benefits. There are consequences to our choices and children are capable of learning this. Even if the process hurts their feelings.
Reply:You said your mom is making Liyah feel she did something wrong...





That doesn%26#039;t make any sense...Liyah just got dinner and a dress.





If anybody makes Liyah feel she did something wrong, it would have been you in this case.





Lyssa might not have a problem with the extra treatment unless you make a big deal about it.





Grandma should take just Lyssa next time to even things up, IF LYSSA feels slighted, not if you feel slighted.





Be happy grandma wants to spend time and money with and on your kids. Try not to be so picky about the distribution. If both kids were there, she would have been more fair I%26#039;m sure. This whoile situation is not a big deal. Don%26#039;t make it into one.
Reply:Your Mother does not respect you as an adult. She needs to know you are the adult and not to be treated like you don%26#039;t exist. Just come right out and tell her. Or you%26#039;ll just be beating around the bush forever!





Do not let her threaten you or manipulate you. That will be her next plan of attack.





Let her know you are all grown up and need to be consulted with for all matters with your children and family.





Time for tough love!





Good luck, I know this is easier said than done. :)
Reply:i would make your oldest daughter leave all that stuff at your mom%26#039;s house. she can only have it there. that way your daughter won%26#039;t be dragging it all home and making the little one feel bad.
Reply:omg! grandma sounds manipulative. Next time don%26#039;t feel sorry for her. If both girls don%26#039;t want to go, tell your mom %26#039;no, you blew it last time%26#039; hang out with them here. That is mean
Reply:Try talking to your mother when the girls are not around. Have the girls father watch them while you go out to lunch with your mom and explain to her that you do not want her spoiling either of your kids with all of that stuff. Tell her it is okay to buy SOME things, as long as she does not go over board and as long as it is for both of them and not just for one or the other. Make her understand that even though she may not be trying to play favortism, the girls might not see it that way. They are young and do not understand those types of things. This situation is completely unfair for the children and they will not understand it.
Reply:tell your mom that if she can%26#039;t buy for both of them then dont buy just for one. Tell her that if she dont stop this then you wont let her see the kids. Tell you other daughter that she did nothing wrong that it was all grandmother. This makes me so mad people making a difference with kids.
Reply:unfortunatly i understand this too well. i am the oldest who is constantly favouritised by grandma. unfortunatly my mum dosent care if i feel bad and gets mad at me for what my grandma does in her ignorance to my sister





speak to the grandma directly and out of hearing range. and why dont you teach your daughter a little sharing while shes at it, ask her to share her new toys a little because her sister didnt get anything. maybe theyll be able to have fun with them together. dont make your daughter feel bad but teach her to share with her sister when she has good luck
Reply:If this is the only situation your mom didnt do anything wrong. One daughter decided to go with grandma for a longer period of time, they ended up shopping and dining, sounds like a good time, then you have to go and ruin it by making comparisons with your two daughters. Actually you were pretty rude to ask your mom what she bought for the other daughter, show some gratitude. Dont punish your daughter, just grow up.
Reply:talk to your mother when the children arent around and just tell her your opinion. get Lyssa a small gift that is pretty too : )
Reply:I would tell her if she is going to be buying gifts if she can%26#039;t buy for the both of them then don%26#039;t buy nothing at all. If the next time she does this do not accept the gifts cause she is playing favorites and that is not right and it will only make the other daughter feel awful like she is not as good as her other sister and end up hating the grandma.


Good luck
Reply:DEAR


JUST PULL YOUR MOTHER OVER TO THE SIDE WHERE THE CHILDREN CAN NOT LISTEN TO YOU TO TALK AND SAY NOW MOM THIS IS THE WRONG THING FOR YOU TO DO BUY SOMETHING FOR ONE BUT NOT THE OTHER ONE PLEASE BUY FOR BOTH ARE NOT AT ALL OK.


TAKE CARE
Reply:Ask Liyah if she would like to give one or two of the items to her younger sister. Explain to her that grandma wasn%26#039;t very fair to Lyssa and Lyssa would feel so much better if she could share. She may surprise you and be willing to help the situation.





In the future, make a strict rule that either your mom buys the same for everyone or buys nothing at all.





Tell the girls that anything grandma buys, no matter who she says it%26#039;s for, is to be shared from now on.
Reply:Tell your mom just what you told us. Say you don%26#039;t want your children to have to deal witha grandma that plays favorites. My Great grandma used to spoil my brother and I and treat my sister like crap. If your oldest is over five years old she will understand she did nothing wrong. I remember thinking my great grandma was an aweful person for treating us so nice right infront of my sister that she treated like crap. I was only five when I realized there was something wrong with her for doing that.
Reply:So next time will be Lyssa%26#039;s turn and Liyah will stay home with you... and they%26#039;ll both understand that they can have special times with grandma, and that everything is NOT always equally distributed. I firmly believe that children of different ages should NOT have all the same perks... they need to look forward to something as they get older.. it encourages them to want to mature.





Don%26#039;t make the mistake of insisting that both your children share equally in all gift giving. It%26#039;s not playing favorites.. it%26#039;s GIFT GIVING.. and should be done from the heart and accepted graciously.





Of course, if your mom has the opportunity to give to both girls and chooses to play favorites OVER TIME, then I%26#039;d speak to her. But one incident? I%26#039;m not sure why you%26#039;re having a problem with it.
Reply:would u ever even use the word punish 4 ur mom?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:wow...that%26#039;s a toughy. I would just talk to your mom about it when the girls aren%26#039;t in hearing range....like u and your mom go out to lunch or something and u talk to her then. I%26#039;m not sure what u can do to punish her but u just got to make it clear to her that she will not play favorites with your children. Maybe that%26#039;s y Lyss stayed home today....b/c she was showing Liyah more attention when they were out yesterday and it made her feel bad.





I would have a serious sit down talk with your mother. Be firm and assertive with her.
Reply:YOU MUM WAS TOTALLY WRONG TO BUY FOR JUST THE ONE CHILD. YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER AND EXPLAIN THAT SHE MUST TREAT BOTH GIRLS THE SAME. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO YOUR DAUGHTER AS ITS NOT HER FAULT.JUST TELL YOUR MUM NEXT TIME TO EITHER NOT GET ANYTHING AT ALL,OR BUY THE SAME FOR EACH GIRL. I HAVE TWO GRANDCHILDREN MYSELF,AND WOULD NEVER BUY ONE WITHOUT GIVING THE OTHER ONE SOMETHING OF THE SAME VALUE.
Reply:Maybe you could sit down with your mother and tell her that.. tell her instead of buying your one girl a whole outfit %26amp; 2 toys, and then being broke. how about buy them one toy each, skip the outfit and keep some cash in her pocket for herself!





I don%26#039;t know how old your daughters are but im sure the youngest is going to feel pretty crappy when her sister comes home with all that new stuff, no idea how to remedy todays problem though, maybe have a little talk with the older girl about it, try not to brag about the stuff she got?
Reply:I would say that going out to dinner is fine. But lavishing gifts on one but with nothing for the younger child? That%26#039;s totally uncool. I would sit down with your older daughter and talk to her about it. Don%26#039;t take anything away but ask her if she thought Grandma was being fair. Ask her how she thinks her little sister feels. And then ask her to try to help keep Grandma in line.


I think this will help you let your daughter know that she%26#039;s not the one in trouble, but Grandma is.
Reply:That%26#039;s a tough situation to be in. I%26#039;m glad you clarified that this isn%26#039;t a first-time offense for her, but more likely just the way she is. The fact that you were the %26quot;favored%26quot; child and still grew up to resent it is very telling. It sounds like your Mom needs an ultimatum-- her behavior hurts your daughters%26#039; feelings, and if she isn%26#039;t willing to change the behavior, she won%26#039;t be spending much time with her granddaughters.





Good luck; I don%26#039;t envy you having to deal with this.





ETA: I don%26#039;t think that things always have to be even or else, just that if your mom does this habitually that she needs to stop because it%26#039;s hurtful to the girls. A special day out and one toy ($10 or so) is acceptable, but to go all-out for one and then having *nothing* for the other I think is taking it too far.



small business web