What do you do when your child has been so disrespectful and abusive that you're not sure you even love them?

My son is 14 yo and for the past 3 years has been verbally abusive, argumentative, disrespectful, insulting and disobedient. I have tried everything I know to do, but nothing changes. He is so selfish and narcisstic that he honestly doesn%26#039;t see that he is wrong. He accepts no responsibility for any of his actions in anything he does even if it does not involve me. Today was the last straw for me. I%26#039;m so sick and tired of being treated as if I matter less than the scum on the bottom of his shoes. I%26#039;ve devoted my life to him. From the moment he was born I loved him with a love I didn%26#039;t even know existed and now that love is gone. I said things this morning I have held back because I didn%26#039;t want to hurt him, but at this moment I want him to hurt, I want his heart to be broken and I could care less if I ever see him again. I%26#039;m not looking for advice, just wondering if any other mother has experienced this.

What do you do when your child has been so disrespectful and abusive that you%26#039;re not sure you even love them?
Your son sounds like an angry young man, and it sounds like he%26#039;s had some relatively recent upheaval in his life - his parents got divorced, his mother was in an accident, his financial status was changed, and now his mother is leaving the country for three months. He%26#039;s also a normal teenage boy, and unfortuneately this behavior can go with the territory, never mind when its exacerbated by the above issues.





He could be acting like this for a variety of reasons - he may be bitter about all the changes, or deliberately antagonizing you to make the break easier for when you leave for 3 months, or just testing his boundaries..... but I think you both need to be in joint counselling if it is getting to the point where you feel you don%26#039;t love him anymore. And make sure you go yourself so you can learn to cope with the teenage years. He%26#039;s still young - don%26#039;t give up on him! I wish you the best of luck!
Reply:You need to look inside his eyes and see that little boy, that baby who you loved so much. And, you need to make him see his mommy who he loved, too. You need to reconnect at that level and apologize to each other, from there. You need to be able to say, %26quot;I was hurting so bad %26amp; I was so lost %26amp; afraid in my heart that I did things to hurt you. I can%26#039;t believe that I did that to you, the one who I love with all my heart. I%26#039;m sorry. Let%26#039;s start over.%26quot;





Because the love is still there. For both of you. It%26#039;s just that you are both afraid to bare your hearts, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being rejected by each other. One of you needs to break down the wall.
Reply:I have known mothers to feel like you do. Thankfully, my kids never acted like your son, but I could only imagine how you feel. It seems that kids your son%26#039;s age, go through all kinds of hormonal changes. They let other kids influence them and their cocky little brats. Your son needs to do alot of growing up, and he will. In the meantime, I would be firm with him but let him know that you love him. Ignore his temper tantrums and his harsh words. He%26#039;s evidently immature enough to want to hurt you. If you don%26#039;t let it show, then he might stop. Harder done than said, huh? Good luck, and I hope things get better for you.
Reply:I%26#039;ve been going through the same thing. I understand how you feel. BUT try not to do things to purposely hurt your son. I understand getting to the point where you just want to let all your feelings out but once you calm down you will totally regret it. Try and remember what it was like to be 14. I know I was horrible and I%26#039;m thankful that my parents don%26#039;t still judge me based on those years!


Hang in there! I know how hard it can be but it%26#039;ll get better. That age is rough (for those going through it and those that are around to get caught up in the storm of hormones!) but you can both get through it!
Reply:Children are more than just their parents. They are also influenced by media, their friends, etc. It is possible that something happened to him three years ago that you don%26#039;t know about that is the cause of the change. It is possible that he has a drug or alcohol problem that he has been able to hide from you. He may be suffering from a mental illness which is brain chemically based.





Therefore, you need to go to family counseling. He needs to be evaluated and so do you. And the love you have for your son is still there, it%26#039;s just buried under all the hurt.
Reply:Luckily i have not. What about other family members? Have they not noticed this? They dont help you? I am sorry you are going through this, there has to be some solution out there. I know you arent looking for advice but surely you cant just give up. The kid is 14 and can turn his life around.
Reply:Sounds as though he%26#039;s been a real handful! It very well could be that he IS a narcissist. Type in narcissist into a search engine and look up the signs. Good luck.
Reply:I think that he is probably hurt from your divorce and all of the other things that have happened (whether he is aware of it or not). I have found that in situations like this, it is best to have the child see a therapist... where you may or may not be involved in the discussions. Your child seeing a therapist isn%26#039;t a sign that you have failed as a parent, it is a sign that you are trying to help your child get through whatever it is that is causing this behavior. Anger stems from emotional pain.. I really think that this is the best thing for him.





By the way... don%26#039;t take him to a counselor, take him to a psychiatrist.
Reply:Boot Camp....
Reply:I haven%26#039;t experienced this with my children, but I have seen it with children of friends.





First, don%26#039;t make excuses for his behavior, it will only get worse if he knows you%26#039;ll come to his rescue. The only reason I say this is, you complained about his behavior, then began to compliment how much of a good kid he is. He knows this also, and will use this to get forgiveness from his actions and in turn do it again and again.








Next, think about a group and individual counseling:


This way, he will interact with teens with the same issues and reactions as himself. If he doesn%26#039;t feel so alone, he will try to start understanding why he does thee things, and try to correct them. The individual counseling will let him have one on one with someone who will help him control these actions.





Also, ask the counselors how you should deal with him proactively, and not feed into his anger when he%26#039;s behaving badly.





I hope this is something he will outgrow. good luck.
Reply:He needs to be sat down and talked to. Despite the fact that you are mad and hurt by his action you will always love your child even if you dont always see that love. Best thing I can say is a corrective school like Boot Camp or a short stay in a detention center. It took my cousin going to Boot Camp for a while to get his attitude adjusted and learn to be respectful of his parents and appreciate what he had at home. Its called tough love and some times it needs to be done.
Reply:I think that tough love is the only way to go on this one. You said that you deovted your life to him, show him how lucky he is to have a mom that does so much for him. Stop doing his laundry, don%26#039;t buy him things, just provide the basics for him food and shelter and don%26#039;t even go out of your way for that. All the little things that you do for him he takes for granted, don%26#039;t wake him up in the morning, if he%26#039;s late for school make him take responsibility for it. Don%26#039;t let his friends come over, hopefully once his clothes get dirty enough and he%26#039;s sick of taking care of himself he will come to you and thats when you will be able to talk, because his guard will be down and he will be extending the offer. I hate to admit it but for a while I was your son and it took some very tough love to straighten out.
Reply:You love him but you don%26#039;t have to like the things he does.





Take comfort and know he knows you love him. When you are upset you take it out on the ones you love the most because you know they will forgive you and overlook it. Never yell! (I know a lot easier said than done %26lt;--myself included here) because when you do they have won! Stay in control! Someone who is yelling wants to fight and wants someone to fight with! When you respond back assertively and calmly they don%26#039;t know how to respond to that. You get more flies with honey than you do vinegar. Remember it takes 2 to fight! You have to be the one in control or else you%26#039;re in for a load of trouble.





Go ahead and realize to that he will NOT appreciate you until he%26#039;s about 30! When you accept that you won%26#039;t look for it anymore because it%26#039;s not going to happen, not now anyway.





And above all else, get down on your knees and pray for GOD to help you deal with him. The only person you can change is YOU. No matter what you do, say or threaten you will not change him unless he changes himself. Change you, thoughts, attitude, actions - that you are in controil of. Prayer will get you both through this hard time.





Remember not to be so %26#039;big%26#039; that you can%26#039;t humble yourself and apologize when you know your wrong. I%26#039;m not saying you are wrong in this - but I suspect you might have crossed the line on a thing or two you said to him. When our kids see that we are human enough to admit when we are wrong - they take the example and usually follow it. Show him you love him by apologizing and prayer. Good Luck! Remember this to shall pass....
Reply:At 14 he%26#039;s still very much a child, I%26#039;m not sure I can say I would ever feel that way, but my son%26#039;s only 3. My mom however, does deal with the same exact issues as you with my 14 yo brother. She does get very angry at him and does say some mean things to him sometimes but she always feels bad a apologizes but explains that he cant keep behaving the way he has been. He has even hit her. She might have felt that she didn%26#039;t love him anymore, but it certainly didn%26#039;t last forever. I hope your boys soon realizes what he%26#039;s doing to the person that loves him most and straightens up.
Reply:Y%26#039;all need some counseling. Your son is not dealing with things well and should not be abusive to you. I would check out some mental health places in your area and see if they have something in the form of counseling for you and your son and even his father You are just frustrated with him right now and it is very understandable
Reply:Hi Butterfly!


My fifteen year old is a carbon copy of your son. I%26#039;m a loving and caring father as you are a mother, but he won%26#039;t see that. I have to bite my tongue a dozen times a day, it%26#039;s so frustrating. There%26#039;s no sure answer, just look at the alternatives, and you%26#039;ll realize that even now with all of the abuse, he loves you and can%26#039;t get by without you. Love him, suffer in silence, but remember, you%26#039;re not alone, we%26#039;re all worrying and want only what%26#039;s right for them. Frankly, I%26#039;m worried about some of the scathing things I%26#039;ve said, and may say to him. Emotional scarring........Gawddd...%26lt;lol%26gt;...the Guilt!!...


Wish I had the answer for you, but I think back to when I was fifteen, it was also difficult for me.


Butterfly, he needs you, you need him, take it and get through the day.


Sincerest wishes to you. Keep us posted.


Getting thicker skin in Toronto,........Fred
Reply:children are a product of their environment and maybe you didn%26#039;t raise him right. get some counseling



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