This Is For All Those Peter Kay Fans...?

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to


arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in


the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your


kayak and heat it.





So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said


"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're


closest".





You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the


night before and shoot the fox.





The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I


said "Did you get my drift?”





So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a


complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"; he said "Those are pickled onions".





I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought "he's trying to pull a


fast one".





So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said


"Eurostar?”I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".





So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He


said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".





But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack


myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.





So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was


Wedgie Kray.





So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a


red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked


for a-ROMATIC duck".





But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a


competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.





So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your


carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".





You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic


converter.





So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance


caller" he said "Not you again".





So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and


there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.





He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a


condiment".








Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example


Goran, even he's a witch.





And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's


bisatchel.





So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.


said "Are you two an item?”





So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I


thought "That's a turtle disaster".





Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want


your type in here"





A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but


don't start anything"





A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is


this some kind of joke?"





A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food


in here"





Dyslexic man walks into a bra





A seal walks into a club...





A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:


"Pint please, and one for the road."





A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to


the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."





A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in


the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an


hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why


they asked?” they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts


boasting in an open foyer."





There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten


different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.


Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.





A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to


a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in


Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to


his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished


she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.


If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

This Is For All Those Peter Kay Fans...?
Wow now that is dedication. Peter Kay is my current No 1 comedian. I laughed so much I want to share them like you have, I have taken the liberty of printing them. Thanks keep up the good work:)
Reply:Their all hilarious. hahaha i can't stop laughing.
Reply:Their all hilarious
Reply:Kinda silly stuff, sort of bland...I'm not a real big fan of puns
Reply:I have no idea who Peter Kay is but these are (for the most part) funny!
Reply:tee hee hee
Reply:Excellent! Keep them coming!!
Reply:it could b the lak of sleep but i found those funny as ever u r no1 go u!!!
Reply:Ha ha Funny - since early this year i am in YA but never could manage to post long post - how does u managed (am sincere with this question)
Reply:lol ha ha very good..x
Reply:very funny!!!



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